A Night at the Palace
by aviatrix8
Summary: Why a royal ball is never a good idea... Especially when the Black Moon family is involved.


Copyright Aviatrix8, 2000. Sailor Moon and all related characters are property of Naoko Takeuchi, and are used without permission. (That's probably a good thing; I don't think she'd want to see them used like this. ^_~) 

Notes: This is the result of taking a break from a serious Sailor Moon fanfic I'm working on... Ever been to one of those interminable family functions, full of embarassing relatives? Well, imagine something like that, but with the Black Moon Family. ^_~ 

*** 

A Black Moon parody 

"A Night at the Palace" 

by Avi 

_God, I hate these things._

Prince Dimando stood restlessly, nursing a glass of red wine. As the ruler and therefore head of the nobility on the planet of Nemesis, he was required to hold a royal ball, now and then. These courtly affairs were a necessity of palace life; however, it didn't mean he had to *like* them. 

Sighing, he absentmindedly smoothed out his dress coat. Similar to his usual jacket, the length was just a bit longer, since the occasion required formal dress; it fell just above the knee. 

Having nothing else better to do, the Prince watched through narrowed eyes as the guests entered the ballroom, sipping his wine as he did so. 

Just then, Rubius came in, flanked by the Ayakashi sisters. Dimando frowned slightly; there was something... *distasteful* in the way he led those girls about. Pulling away from their reluctant arms, Rubius walked up to pay his respects to his Prince. As he approached, Prince Dimando raised an eyebrow. 

"Hello Rubius," he said, as the former bowed. "And you're actually wearing your uniform jacket for once," he added, the alcohol making his tone somewhat acidic. "I'm impressed." 

Rubius scowled. "Yeah, yeah... They wouldn't let me in otherwise," he replied sullenly. He left the Prince, muttering, "'No shirt, no service' indeed..." 

Under Dimando's watchful eye, Rubius returned to the eager attentions of the Ayakashi sisters, who were also dressed for the occasion. The Prince wrinkled his nose. There was far too many feathers and exposed cleavage for his taste... Not that he had anything against either, mind you; he just thought too much was rather tacky. 

His thoughts turned, as they often did, to Neo-Queen Serenity. _At least she has some taste in fashion... Well, maybe not that much more,_ he conceded reluctantly. He cast another glance at the Sisters. _But anything's *got* to be better than this._

"You're thinking about her again, aren't you." 

Prince Dimando looked up, to see Saffir staring at him somewhat accusingly. 

_He must've come in with Petz,_ he thought uneasily. Sure enough, he noticed the green-haired Ayakashi sister nearby, resplendent in peacock feathers. Dimando tried not to shudder. 

Saffir himself was dressed in a dark blue suit; although instead of a tie, he wore a blue choker with a reversed crescent. In that suit, however, his younger brother uncomfortably reminded the Prince of King Endymion. 

"I can tell, you know," continued Saffir relentlessly. "You only look that way when you're thinking about Neo-Queen Serenity." 

Prince Dimando sighed. He loved his little brother to death, but there were times when he *really* got on his nerves. 

"I'm afraid you're mistaken, Saffir," answered Dimando blandly. Yet his thoughts had, once again, turned unerringly towards the Neo-Queen. _I wish the Queen would at least answer one of my invitations to these stupid court functions; they'd be far more interesting, then. But, then again..._ he mused, _*I* didn't want to come here, either._ Saffir watched his expression closely, noting the far off look in his older brother's eyes. 

"Uh-huh," he replied skeptically, crossing his arms before him. "Well, then--" His voice trailed off, as he glanced over the Prince's shoulder. 

"Uh-oh. Esmeraude at three o'clock," warned Saffir. Snatching up a drink from the tray a nearby waiter, he downed it in one gulp. Dimando glanced at him in concern. 

"Saffir, you know you shouldn't drink," he cautioned. 

"Around Esmeraude, I need to drink," muttered Saffir. 

A moment later, Esmeraude bore down upon them, dressed in, not surprisingly, feathers. _I should outlaw those those damn things,_ thought Dimando irritably. _Or perhaps make a trade embargo... But Esmeraude would pout for weeks._ The only thing worse than Esmeraude's laughter was her pouting... No, perhaps nothing was worse than her laughter. 

"Dimando-sama," purred Esmeraude, as she approached. The Prince assumed a neutral expression, while his younger brother scowled slightly. Noting this, the green-haired woman looked down her nose at Saffir. 

"Don't you have some numbers to crunch, or something?" Esmeraude flicked her feather fan in his face, causing the blue-haired man to sneeze. "Run along and do something useful for a change, there's a good boy." 

Saffir glared at her, but was forced to walk away, as he tried to get his sneezing fits under control. Meanwhile, Esmeraude tucked her arm under the Prince's. 

"Dimando-sama, I have some *very* important affairs of state to discuss with you." 

"Uh... Right," replied Dimando reluctantly. He looked around rather surreptitiously for some distraction, as Esmeraude led him away. Saffir watched both of them go, a bit resentfully. 

_It's bad enough Wiseman monopolizes my time with my older brother, but that cackling hyena as well...!_ he thought to himself, snarling. 

Fielding another drink from a passing waiter, he took a sip, then hiccuped discreetly. 

*** 

"...So, I finally decided to wear this marvelous green gown. I mean, not that I wouldn't have looked absolutely *fabulous* in the black evening gown, but basic black is *so* passe. I suppose I could've worn purple... It being a royal colour and all, it would suit me perfectly, don't you think?" 

Prince Dimando nodded politely at Esmeraude's prattling, then motioned painfully to a waiter to refill his wineglass. 

_Somebody shoot me now._

Furtively, he glanced around for some sort of excuse to get away. He couldn't take much more of this... Finally, Dimando was forced to use a bit of diplomacy. 

"Oh look, I think Saffir is calling me," interjected the Prince rather quickly. "Do excuse me, will you?" He pulled away from Esmeraude as discreetly as he could manage, and made a run for it. 

"But-- Wait!" she cried, as Dimando was lost in the press of people. She tapped her fan irritably on her chin. 

"That's odd..." Esmeraude muttered to herself. "I thought Saffir was over there--" She looked behind her to find that Saffir was still seated upon a couch, where she had seen him last. Her lips pressed into a thin line. 

"Hmph!" Then realizing that she was in an awkward position, Esmeraude laughed to herself, attracting a few annoyed stares from the courtiers around her. Noticing this, she covered her red face behind her fan, and made her way to where Saffir was sitting. 

Saffir looked up muzzily as she approached. "Hullo." Esmeraude regarded him coolly. 

"Hello, Saffir." Looking over her shoulder, she craned her neck, trying to find even a glimpse of Dimando. Finally, Esmeraude gave up, and sank into the couch beside Saffir in resignation. He turned to look at her curiously. 

"Somethin' wrong?" 

"It's none of your business," she snapped. Saffir shrugged philosophically. After a moment, he leaned towards Esmeraude again. 

"You know, you look absolutely stunning tonight," he commented softly. 

Esmeraude was taken aback. Granted, she was the most beautiful woman in the universe, but Saffir had never bothered to comment on it before. 

"You really think so?" she said, hiding her blushing face behind her fan. 

Saffir nodded. "You should really wear your hair loose more often, Petz," he continued blissfully. 

A vein appeared on Esmeraude's forehead. _How... How dare he confuse me with that-- that-- Fashion victim!_ she thought in outrage, now flushing for entirely different reasons. She contemplated hitting him with her fan again, but thought better of it. 

Her gaze turned to a half-filled wine glass standing on a table nearby. _Maybe I should splash that on his face,_ she thought comtemptously. _That should get his attention._ She then stared at it thoughtfully. 

_Wait a minute..._ Esmeraude glanced back at Saffir. Now that she thought about it, his face *was* rather flushed, his eyes a bit glazed. 

"Saffir," she asked curiously. "Have you been drinking?" 

"Only one drink," he replied apologetically. "Well... Maybe one and a half." He began to count on his gloved fingers, but after a moment, gave it up as a lost cause. Esmeraude tried to conceal a smile behind her fan. 

_Don't tell me the Prince's straight-laced brother is drunk!_ she thought in amusement. 

She considered helping Saffir back to to his quarters; that was sure to earn her some gratitude from Dimando. _Then again..._ She cast another glance at Saffir. _I might be able to learn something useful from him, now._ Edging closer, Esmeraude fluttered her eyelashes coyly at him. 

"Saffir-chan," she said, her voice poisonously sweet, "Why don't you tell me all about your brother?" 

Saffir smiled happily at her. Now *there's* something he didn't mind talking about. 

*** 

Prince Dimando looked over the crowd again, and frowned. _That's odd..._ he thought. Usually, Saffir would've been hovering nearby, watching over him; but now, his younger brother was nowhere in sight. _Not that I *need* his hero-worship,_ he thought hastily to himself. It was just a bit disconcerting, that's all. 

Now a bit worried, he approached Rubius, who was flirting with a giggling Calaveras. 

"Rubius, have you seen Saffir?" Dimando asked the red- haired man. Rubius glanced at him, slightly irritated, then amused by the concern in his Prince's voice. 

"Am I your brother's keeper?" he replied. 

The Prince gave him a glare that made his third eye look preferrable in comparison, then walked away. Rubius shrugged, and turned back to Calaveras. 

"Well, *I* thought it was funny..." he murmured to himself. 

*** 

Esmeraude listened intently as Saffir talked animatedly about his beloved brother, his blue eyes sparkling as he did so. 

_You know, he really is kind of cute when he smiles,_ she thought to herself. Saffir never would've never struck her as a cheerful drunk; then again, she probably shouldn't have been too surprised, considering how moody and brooding he usually was. 

At least he wasn't hitting on her anymore, something Esmeraude was acutely grateful for.... She wasn't quite sure *what* to do about that. 

"Ahem." 

Esmeraude and Saffir both looked up to see Petz, tapping her foot indignantly. Saffir did a double take, as he stared at Petz, then back at Esmeraude. 

"Oh, dear... I must be drunk," he murmured to himself. "I'm seeing double..." Esmeraude gave him a somewhat disgusted glance. 

_Geez, Mr. Wizard still hasn't figured it out? He must be pretty wasted,_ she thought to herself. 

"Excuse me," snapped Petz, capturing the other woman's attention again. "What do you think you're doing?" Esmeraude smirked at her impatient tone. She stood up abruptly, causing Saffir to slowly tip over in his seat. 

"Why, Petz, I was just having a conversation with Saffir-chan over here," she said innocently. 

"You were flirting with him!" Petz said accusingly. 

"Moi?" replied Esmeraude, fluttering her eyelashes. "I'm afraid you're very much mistaken. You see, the poor dear is a tad intoxicated; he mistook me for you!" She laughed to herself, amused. 

"Not that I could ever see why he could make such a silly faux-pas; I have far more style and grace than you'll ever have." A vein appeared on Petz's forehead, as Esmeraude obliviously continued her tirade. 

"Really, now! Peacock feathers are *so* last century. I mean, with fashion sense like that, I don't know *how* you managed to hook little Saffir over here in the first place. Perhaps you got him drunk, too, hmmm?" she simpered. "Ohohohohohohohohohohohoho...!" 

Esmeraude's laughter was then abruptly cut off, as Petz finally lost what little temper she had and decked her. 

*** 

When Rubius had discovered he had lost his little collection of admirers, he turned around just in time to see Petz deliver a spectacular punch to Esmeraude, right in the face. 

Before she could try another, however, the rest of the Ayakashi sisters surrounded her, attempting to hold her back. As Rubius looked on with interest, he watched as Esmeraude tried to regain what little dignity she had by yelling insults at Petz. 

Rubius smirked to see Esmeraude so discomfitted. _Perhaps this party won't be so boring after all,_ he thought in amusement. 

Just then, Petz managed to break free from her sisters' grip, and turned on Esmeraude, who seemed a little more prepared this time. She held out her fan in front of her defensively, eyes narrowed. 

It was then that Rubius caught the eye of one of Esmeraude's warriors, Chiral (or Achiral; he could never tell those damn twins apart), who looked back at him speculatively. 

"Ten bucks says Esmeraude wins," said Chiral. 

"You're on." 

*** 

Prince Dimando was sipping yet another glass of wine when he heard the scream from across the room. Recognizing Esmeraude's voice, he began to make his way in that direction, his curiousity roused. 

There was quite a large crowd gathered in that area, but they parted respectfully as the Prince approached. Noticing Beruche at the edge of the crowd, he turned to the blue-eyed Ayakashi sister. 

"What's going on?" Beruche looked rather nervous. 

"Uh, I'm afraid Petz has gotten into a fight with Esmeraude..." Dimando stifled back a groan, then pushed his way through the crowd until he reached the centre. 

He got there just in time. Both women were on the floor, at this point: Petz was pulling Esmeraude's hair; Esmeraude, not being able to do the same since the other woman wore her hair up, was hitting Petz in the face with her fan, and screaming at the top of her lungs. It was a wonder that Petz hadn't gone deaf. 

_Thank God they didn't resort to combat magic,_ Dimando thought, as he watched the catfight with a mixture of relief and horrified fascination. The last time that had happened, it was because Beruche had borrowed clothes from Cooan without asking. It had gotten pretty ugly, he recalled... _We're *still* scraping Cheez Whiz off the walls..._

"All right, break it up, you two," Dimando said finally, stepping forward. Esmeraude managed to scramble from underneath Petz, and took the opportunity to cling to the Prince in gratitude. 

"Dimando-sama, she started it!" she wailed. "She attacked me without warning; it was totally unprovoked!" 

"That's a lie!" snarled Petz, getting to her feet. "She was hitting on Saffir!" 

"Uh..." began the Prince carefully, "Where *is* my brother?" 

They looked down to find Saffir on the floor, where he had slid off the couch. Sensing their attention, Saffir's blue eyes blinked open, focusing unsteadily on his older brother. 

"Hello, big brother," commented Saffir. He giggled foolishly for a moment, then passed out. Prince Dimando turned to Esmeraude. 

"How many drinks has he had?" 

"Er... He said around one and a half..." Dimando looked thoughtful. 

"Yes, that's sounds about right," he mused. He then winced, as Saffir started to sing 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' at the top of his voice. Sighing heavily, the Prince motioned to a couple of palace guards to take his brother to his room. 

It was then that he noticed Esmeraude was still holding on to him. With some difficulty, Dimando tactfully removed her arms from around his waist. 

Meanwhile, two of the palace guards had picked up the semi-conscious Saffir bodily, and were now hauling him out of the ballroom. As the group walked past her, Esmeraude sighed longingly. 

"I wish that I could be dragged away by hunks like that," she murmured dreamily. Rubius, who was standing behind her, gave Esmeraude a disgusted look. 

"You're pathetic, do you know that?" he said. 

Unfortunately, Rubius didn't have enough time to duck as a feather fan smacked him right between the eyes. As an outraged Esmeraude pounced on the hapless Rubius, an interested crowd gathered to watch. 

Dimando sighed once more, and turned away. At least he wasn't the centre of attention for the moment; the Prince melted into the crowd, unnoticed. After a while, the captain of the palace guard walked up to him, and bowed. 

"Prince Dimando-sama, Saffir-sama has been taken safely to his chambers," she reported. He nodded curtly at her. The captain then cocked her head to one side. 

"Dimando-sama, you don't look very well," she said, concerned. "Are you sure you're feeling all right?" He arced an eyebrow at this. 

"Nonsense, captain. I feel fine." He turned away, his cape swirling elegantly around him. Then, he staggered. The captain managed to catch the Prince in time. 

"Then again..." said Dimando rather thickly, leaning on her heavily for support, "Perhaps I *have* had a bit too much wine, myself... Would you be so kind as to escort me to my quarters?" 

"Of course, Dimando-sama," replied the captain of the guard blandly. _Oh great,_ she thought to herself, irritably. _It's going to be another long night of sobbing on my shoulder and asking me why Neo-Queen Serenity doesn't love him. I wonder if the Crystal Palace has a job opening for palace guards... Then again, I'd have to babysit that brat of theirs..._

With the captain's help, Prince Dimando staggered out of the ballroom and down the corridor. 

_What a fiasco,_ he thought to himself. _Rubius was a bastard, as usual; Esmeraude wouldn't leave me alone, then gets into a catfight with Petz; my brother got sloshed, and I'm not in much better condition myself,_ he concluded ruefully. 

_Oh yes, just another exciting night at the palace..._

END 

***** 


End file.
